Tuesday 7 February 2017

Are you tired?

are you tired?

So so tired.
If the powers to be let us sleep tonight I will never complain about being tired again when I'm not really.
Dog tired, shattered, knackered, which ever term you use.
We all use the term, all the time and I'm sure we think we are tired but actually you can still function, everything still gets done. You can manage to go out, socialise, hold a conversation.
You could carry on like normal but with the odd yawn or achy feet.
Now if you have have ever had a sick child then you will have at some point been really truly tired. The days after you have been kept up all night or seen every hour even if you have slept are so hard to get through. If you have to give regularly timed medications that can't be missed not even that 4 am one that no one else is awake for.
The worry that you will go to sleep and something bad will happen, not a paranoid panic but a reality for many parents meaning that any sleep that they do get is poor and very disturbed.
Then you will have been tired, so tired that you forget what day it is, can't hold a conversation because it takes too much effort.
Go out in odd shoes because you are working on an autopilot that's colour blind or just doesn't care any more.
You have your t-shirt on inside out but don't care or you feel sick because you are so tired.
It does strange things to you. Makes you cry at anything or shout when you wouldn't normally.
Makes you eat all the celebrations, even the bounty's when you aren't even keen. You still eat them.
Sometimes it's your only meal as your body starts rejecting food as it all makes you feel sick.
Or your child can't eat but wants to do you can't eat in front of them but you can't leave them either so you go without until they are asleep.
I've seen many a parent passing out in the hospital because of this. Your body isn't designed to starve but you do it because you have to.
We know we are failing, we know that we need to make phone calls, need to fill forms in, need to cook, clean, buy things etc we just can't do anything about it in the moment and when this is pointed out we will get very defensive and upset...(sorry mum)
You feel like you are going mad because you can't remember anything or you sit down and lose 15 minutes staring into space.
It makes me forgetful, I have a degree and a post graduate in nursing and I forget the day, struggle to remember names or what I did the day before. It's an awful feeling.
i cry at the drop of a hat. i cried because cars moved out of the way for an ambulance. i cried even more when one didn't. i cried because my husband asked me if id sterilized the syringes (i hadn't ).
The bigger kids have been shouted at a little for not doing things asked or for being too loud and it isn't fair.
i find i go into my own little shell, i cant hold a conversation properly so tend to avoid the phone, luckily i have a couple of great friends that don't mind me talking crap or falling asleep while on the phone. they have been there and know what it is like.
it is hard and we need a little slack sometimes. partners don't say things like oh yes i was awake too. i mean you can if you were awake but if you woke up grunted and went back to sleep that doesn't really count and will just make me want to shout.
don't point out all the things i should have done and didn't do, i'm likely to cry, swear or put the phone down. a nice thank you for managing what i did do would be great.
i have had a little more sleep the last couple of nights and the sicky feeling had gone and i could finally sit down and write this because i tried the other day and didn't save it and it deleted and i cried.

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